My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
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What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Wednesday
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)