i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.