I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
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Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.