you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I’m good, thanks.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.