Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?