Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.