I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
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Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Meeeee too!
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped