You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
You Might Also Like
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?