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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds