Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I think about this a lot
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*