It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Just parrot things
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.