“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
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Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Sunday
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
see you in hell you stupid fruit