I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
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please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Love this guy
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My brain is a bad influence on me
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.