“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
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Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.