[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
the red hot silly peppers
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Happy Thanksgiving
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh