kitchen magnet
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
cause of death:
autopsy.