I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
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It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie