gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*