Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
This is what makes twitter great
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows