We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
#ParentingFacts
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.