Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.