Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
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Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I don’t understand what’s happening here.