I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
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[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…