I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
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i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.