[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself