2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
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🚲+physics = winner
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?