Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]