My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
You Might Also Like
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Many hands make light work
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Modded the new Gran Turismo