waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.