Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
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Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I am HOWLING at this
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Me too door. Me too.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.