playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
And now we wait
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.