If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET