You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
😏😏😏
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did