I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
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I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Is….Is this an option?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.