If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
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To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right