Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
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Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Oh we’ve met.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.