this FaceApp is creepy af
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
That’s fair
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.