i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
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Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.