Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
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My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him: