My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
You Might Also Like
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
his wife is probably gonna see that
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.