fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.