My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack đ
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It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say BeyoncĂŠ. It’s the only way to be safe.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places Iâm allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Thoughts and Prayers arenât working, itâs time to start pitching folks into a volcano
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
People who like country: âI get it people donât like country you can put whatever you want onâ
People who donât like country: âI swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myselfâ
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Authors subtitle books âA Novelâ. Why donât we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Wife: âthese are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the treeâ
Me: âall decorations are beautiful in their own wayâ
Wife (cont.) âand these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branchesâ