I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR