“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
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Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe