Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.