my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
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I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
This kid is a star!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?