He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
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“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom