Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna