“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.