him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs